New less-destructive thing: Ice cream and Sylvy cuddles.
My job used to keep me from hurting myself. Tonight I forgot. It’s not deep enough to scar or even bleed all that much, but it helped.
I feel like I’ve failed though. I’ve been trying to stop for years and it seems like the only foolproof thing to make everything seem better.
I need to find something less destructive to do instead. Bleh. I hate this.
I”m sick and tired of not being heard. I hate myself, and you make it worse.
I’m so stressed about this fucking class that I want to cry and vomit at the same time.
College is just not for me.
So why do I do it? Because I need the financial aid to survive.
I feel like my depression is about to consume me.
I wish I felt like you could help me.
I don’t think you check this anymore. Makes it easier to get my thoughts out when I say things to you on here, but know you’ll probably never read them. You know I’ve always been better via text than voice.
Being a model stops me from hurting myself.
Not because of the marks (Photoshop is a wonderful tool),
but because of the questions.
For some reason every photographer wants to know
what each scar and mark I have is about.
Sometimes I hate my job and can’t wait until I quit.
If I had to be completely honest, I would never want to interact with more than about 4 specific people ever again.
Fucking hate people.
Just got into a fight with my boyfriend. By the time I stormed upstairs I already wanted to go back and apologize. Now I’m locked in the bedroom and don’t want to go down based on principal. FML…
I’m in a hotel room with 2 people who are acting like they’re 6 years old. One won’t handle their problems, the other is throwing a tantrum. I’m the youngest person in here and I feel like their mom.
Fucking hate people. Throwing a fucking tantrum is one of the quickest ways to get me to lose respect for someone
I mean, I suspected it, but had it confirmed today when one of their “community managers” decided to send me a message telling me that I was running my modeling business the wrong way.
Their reason for telling me this:
When a fan that did not give me their email address to send them incentives, they complained to the site, and then someone in the site contacted me about it. When I sent the fan a message about it letting him know he hadn’t received it because I had no email address to send them to, I also told them that if anything like that happened again to just let me know that they hadn’t received it and I would let them know why they hadn’t yet and take care of it asap.
Apparently I should have responded something like this “Oh, I apologize. You are completely right. Despite the fact that you never gave me an email address, I should have sent you multiple annoying messages to you trying to get the information as well as found another way to send you the images. Also, how can I make up the fact that you’ve had to wait 2 weeks for something you didn’t receive because you didn’t send me the required information to send it to you? Would you like more incentive images that you didn’t earn by voting? Would you like me to try to schedule time with a photographer to do multiple custom shoots for you? Would you like me to lower my self-respect and bend to your every will? Because that’s what Zivity would consider me doing a good job at running my modeling business. :)”
They also basically told me I should care more about money than art.
They said that I should be thankful that this fan voted 15 times on my set (the fan that is causing these problems), because many models never even get 15 votes total.
When I first joined the site I generally believed they were more concerned with art than money. Very shortly after I joined did they start to do things that made my boyfriend and I start to question their motives, and just the site in general.
Oh well. It’s a great site in theory so I will still be publishing sets on there, but it will be completely up to the photographers.
It will always be more about art than money for me, so I will not lower my standards to what they suggested for me to do. I absolutely love my fans and am incredibly thankful for them, but if someone crosses the line, I won’t bow to them like they suggested. I will not lower my standards and lose respect for myself just to make someone happy because they voted 10 or 15 times for my set. (It’s just like my limits with what I will and will not model. Just because someone wants to cross that line and try to shoot it, I won’t just do it anyway because it would make them happy.)
I really think it’s sad that I was in their top 10 most popular models for the month of March and I’m saying this.
Also, I want to point out that I’m not just throwing some kind of tantrum about a fan because he caused me some problems. I will go to great lengths for my fans, because I recognize that I am lucky to have as many as I do, and they are all awesome. But This one was incredibly rude to me, and brought in a third party which made the situation all the more annoying.
Move with boyfriend and the kitty to another state (cuz must haz kitty), become financially independent from my mother, and really focus on my modeling. It’s what I love and I’m tired of worrying about her opinion and having that hold me back.
I don’t think any of this would be too hard once I actually decided to do it. Right now I’m stuck in the position where my mom wants me in college, but I don’t want to be there. I want to focus on what I love, and I can’t do that with her bullshit going on.